


I Lost a Friend. (I Lost My Mind)

by beebolovesyou



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, a literal funeral but also a metaphorical funeral, the angst is coming for all of us
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-07-10 10:28:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19904242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beebolovesyou/pseuds/beebolovesyou
Summary: So here she is, alone in a graveyard in Metropolis with the casket of her brother- the brother she murdered without hesitation- and feeling the urge to pull the damn thing open and ask him why did he became a monster and if she’s next in line.orLena buries Lex, Kara shows up and confrontation happens.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea after the season 4 finale because like, you want to tell me Lena just left Lex's body lying around? Nah (yes, I know they'll bring him back but still). I wasn't going to write anything but here's this crap.  
> heads up, my English is not good.

Lena picks the coffin herself. Opting for a humble-looking casket that probably would have been distasteful to her brother. Lex had always been all about the flashing of wealth and power, if he were to pick his coffin, Lena thinks it would’ve matched him to perfection: narcissistic and egotistical. So she goes for the opposite of that as if to spite him even after he’s gone.

She doesn’t organize a ceremony, firstly because probably no one would attend and secondly because it would expose her as a murderer. A part of her wanted to just pretend he crashed into the ground so fast not even his Lexo-suit could save him. that's what the news has been broadcasting. But Lena killed him. She knows the truth and it chases her in her sleep, tugs at her throat until she wakes up gasping for air. Rationalizing it she understands Lex wasn’t a good man and perhaps he didn’t deserve being alive, but she can’t shake the guilt.

So here she is, alone in a graveyard in Metropolis with the casket of her brother- _the brother she murdered without hesitation_ \- and feeling the urge to pull the damn thing open and ask him why did he became a monster and if she’s next in line.

“He would have wanted awake”

Lena finds it unnecessary to even look over her shoulder. Of course, she’s here. “I know”

“In your defense, most of his friends are dead or in jail” Lillian supplies in a neutral tone.

A chuckle sneaks past Lena’s lips “in my defense? Are you going to switch your favoritism now that he’s gone?”

When there’s no response she finally decides to glance at the older woman. She’s only slightly surprised to find that Lillian has cut her hair down to jaw length and dyed it several shades darker. For her mother being here is risky since she’s supposed to be locked in a cell. Her attire is black and regal from head to toe, the only snippet of color Lena catches is the whiteness of the single rose she’s grasping in her left hand.

“The coffin isn’t sealed shut” Lena says after a while. The decision had been conscious, if her mother did show up (which Lena knew she would do) she wouldn’t deprive her of seeing him one last time.

Lillian stares blankly at the large wooden box but makes no move to reach for it and Lena almost sighs in relief. “Is he really in there?”

“Yes” Lena confirms. She lacked the guts to see for herself but she’d done all the arrangements. She is certain.

Lillian’s stare digs deep into her and Lena catches quickly on the rage behind it, the barely contained fury she’s been a subject of for so long. Only this time it looks more dangerous, almost animalistic. “You let that filthy Kryptonian kill him. You helped her to do it-“

“Mother, I-“Lena stars but the sharp strike of an open palm stops her. She lets her cheek burn and her eyes start to water against her will, but she knows better than to evocate more of her mother’s irritation by moving.

“I don’t want to hear your stupid excuses. This is your fault! My son is dead!... my son!” Lena keeps her head down. Is a big regression for her, she hasn’t shown so much submission around Lillian since she was a kid. She’s embarrassed and afraid and nothing makes sense, so she bows her head and tightens her jaw. Why is her heart aching if Lex was nothing but vile and cruel? Why are tears running down her face?

“Do you think you can bury him and be done with it? That I wouldn’t have anything to say about the fact that you chose to help those alien monstrosities over your own family? You’re not a Luthor or anything of mine!” the second hit it’s harsher and backhanded, stinging over her other cheek “I tried to groom you into something worthy of the Luthor name but you’re useless, I should have shipped you back to that whore Lionel got you from.”

The mention of her birth mother makes her snap her head upwards, Lillian’s flaring nostrils are a sign she’s taken it as a challenge.

“As for your supposed friends, they have all been lying to you from the beginning” Lena flinches at that, trying to step away but Lillian holds her arm in a painfully tight grip. “You think they care about you? This is just what they wanted, and you handed it over on a silver platter. _Oh_ and sweet little Kara Danvers…”

Lena sobs helplessly as she sees her mother’s smirk, Lillian knows she’s about to deliver the heaviest blow. Even if Lex already broke the news, the remark will only make it more painful coming from the person that’s been warning her it would happen since the start.

“She’s been exploding your foolishness for so long and you just couldn’t see past your sentimentalism, could you?” Lena’s expression falls further into a panic and Lillian brightens up with the implications of the reaction “so you finally found out huh? I can’t believe you ever thought she had any loyalty towards you. I bet you’ll just let her use you despite knowing the truth-”

“Let go of her” Kara’s voice is closest to growl than a shout and it only increases the intensity of their situation. Lillian sizes her up with a menacing gaze like she’s some annoying bug, but the blonde remains unbothered “I’m holding off out of respect for your loss, but if you don’t leave right now that will change” the warning is crystal clear and Lillian seems to understand that she’s walking on thin ice so she let’s go of her arm. Lena watches as she lays down the single rose on top of Lex’s coffin and mumbles something, probably a goodbye of sorts.

“It should have been you” it’s the last poisonous thing her mother spits out her way before walking away, Lena catches the stiff stance Kara holds when Lillian slips past her, like she’s barely managing to stay in character instead of bringing the woman to the authorities. Obviously with the veil of nativity lifted Lena can see through the act. She can see the way Kara’s hair is windswept from flying from National City, how her shirt is hazily tucked in like she’d dressed up in a hurry and how her eyes are concerned yet nervous. Lena wonders how much of the conversation Kara listened to before intervening.

“Are you okay?” Kara asks sweetly as she enters Lena’s space, worriedly eying the redness covering her cheeks. A strong set of hands hover over her face with trepidation but eventually the shooting touch settles in the left side of her face, cupping her jaw and carefully inspecting the damage. “your mom is insane” Kara states with an angry scoff.

“What are you doing here?” Lena asks, trying very hard not to melt into the calming contact, just like she’s been trying really hard to avoid the blonde. A whole week has gone by with Kara confusedly accepting all of Lena’s declines to lunch dates and hangouts, whilst the young Luthor secretly mulled over what to do with the frozen body of her recently deceased brother.

Kara’s brows crease and her neck muscles jump anxiously, hands retracting in order to gesticulate madly. “I was- Clark! I was visiting Clark”

The excuse’s so poorly made up Lena almost rolls her eyes, instead she just sighs heavily and feels the familiar burn of renewed tears coming through. Is Kara a pathological liar? Because it sure seems a lot like it.

“Is he burring a sociopathic relative as well?” the sarcasm drips out of the question and Lena knows if she looks up to Kara’s face she’ll find a hurt puppy-like expression, so she gazes at the contrasting white rose over the field of black that is the casket.

“Lena-“

“That’s Lionel’s” Lena cuts off before the other woman can continue, pointing at the gravestone next to the place where Lex’s will be “mother and I will go there, and there” she signals to the continuous vacant land.

“That is, of course, assuming she doesn’t kill me first and sinks my body in some lake” she says with dry humor. Whatever sort of truce and reconciliation she’d managed to build with Lillian over the last couple of years is out of the window now. More so if she finds out Lena is responsible for Lex death in a much more direct way than originally suspected.

Kara doesn’t find it funny in the slightest “I won’t let her touch you”

Lena chooses to ignore the stupidly sweet protective tone “I never thought it would be him first, you know? In my head I was so sure he was going to kill me and not the other way around.”

“I’m so sorry, Lena” Kara says with an otherworldly sincerity. Granted her sympathetic sorrow is for Lena and not for Lex but still, Lena is rather impressed. Perhaps Kara also had a weird filial bond with an evil person that died on her, leaving a hole in her heart that’s confusing and inexplicable. But then again, maybe she’s just a really convincing liar.

“But Lena, it isn’t your fault. I know your mom, she wants you to think that but it’s not true, okay?” Kara’s head tilts to catch Lena’s attention, Lena’s body instinctively reacts to it and she almost trips over her feet at how strikingly blue her eyes are. “He decided for himself what his path was going to be and you had nothing to do with it”

Lena almost wants to play along, just to avoid the messy situation she knows it’s about to transpire. The problem is her heart is broken and raging at the same time, and there’s nothing Kara could say or do to make it better, no matter how sweet she makes it sound.

“I helped him. I made the Harun-el serum for him, to cure his cancer.” Lena chuckles at her stupidity “but then he got powers! What the fuck was up with that?! My evil brother with powers? What was I thinking, uh?”

Kara reaches with a comforting hand to touch her shoulder but Lena shrugs it away violently, her composure going down the drain alarmingly fast.

“See? It was my fault and I had to fix it, I had to fix it before he killed more people again. I couldn’t just watch it happen like last time” her voice cracks, Kara says her name softly again but Lena just shakes her head “so I- I shot him”

Lena can see the shock of surprise that crackles throughout the Kryptonian’s body, her hand frozen midway in the air and her eyes glassy. There’s uncertainty on her stare that Lena has never seen on Kara’s face, but she’s seen it in Supergirl’s…shit. _Kara is Supergirl_. A tear makes an unauthorized escape so Lena rubs it away angrily, frustrated with her weakness she starts digging her nails into her palms to stop herself from crying pathetically.

“It was me, I killed him.” The admission leaves her mouth in a breathless whine “and I believed it was the right thing to do even though I was afraid. I was afraid of what it would turn me into. That I would just end up becoming a monster like he wanted me to. But then I thought, _‘no matter what, I’ll always have Kara_ ’, so what’s there to be afraid of?”

“I was very mistaken” Lena continues, Kara seemingly too shocked to say anything “to think that I ever considered you a friend or as more than-“She catches herself last minute, but the curious twitch in the blonde’s eyebrows proves it wasn’t fast enough. It doesn’t matter know, she thinks.

Opening her arms widely she tries to look unbothered “I guess denial is a very powerful thing, isn’t it? Because I couldn’t see it, not until he showed me”

“Lena, please” it’s the first thing Kara says after her prolonged silence. “Please, I-“

“You what? lied to me? betrayed me? There’s no need for you to say it, I already know all of those things.”

“It’s not what you think” Kara tries again, sounding very distressed.

The indecorous scoff that follows is straight up the rudest behavior she’s exerted towards Kara “I think you’re a fucking pretender!” shouting doesn’t provide as much satisfaction as it should, not when she sees the heartbroken expression on Kara’s face. “Go ahead and tell me you aren’t. Tell me that I am wrong and Lex played one last disgusting joke on me. Tell me you haven’t spent every second of our friendship pretending to be somebody you’re not”

There’s an edge of begging in her voice that Lena hates, yet she hopes somehow that Kara could deny it so that they could forget all about this. So that Lena wouldn’t have to lose the last good thing- the best thing she’s ever had: Kara’s trustworthiness. Kara’s affection. Kara’s devotion. _Kara_.

When the reporter drops her head in defeat all of her hope dies. “I can’t” the regret shines through the words but Lena is starting to feel how her walls rise, so when Kara starts apologizing again she meets only icy demeanor “I’m sorry. Lena, I wasn’t pretending, I never pretended with you- I mean, I did lie but… Lena, you’re my best friend and none of that was fake. I wouldn’t lie about that”

Kara frantically tries to find the right words to make Lena look at her with the little glint of joy in her eyes she always does. All she gets is a warning gaze that’s awfully resembling of Lillian’s, but Kara can’t fathom the idea of stopping until Lena understands how much she cares.

“This whole time all I’ve wanted to do is tell you the truth, so badly”

“Yet you didn’t” Lena crosses her arms. “I want you to leave, Kara”

The blonde’s eyes widen “Lena, please let me just explain why I-“

“No. I don’t want to know why” _‘yes, you do_ ’, her inner voice screams. She remains stern anyway “Leave. I’d like to bury my brother without any Kryptonians around.”

Kara lifts her hand to silence a climbing sob and Lena feels her resolve losing strength for a moment. Until she remembers that Kara has been playing her for years, systematically keeping things away from her and demonizing her with one persona just to comfort her dressed as the other. The Kara she thought she knew might not even exist at all and that’s what ultimately prevails, the unpleasant sensation of being used continuously by the same person that vowed to always be on her side.

The CEO forces herself to come closer to the other woman, face laced with stoicism and Kara leans into it ever so hopeful. “I don’t know what you were thinking would be the result of this, but your situation is about to get a lot more precarious unless you get out of my sight. Do you want to treat me like a Luthor? I’ll be a fucking Luthor”

A couple of days ago she couldn’t have imagined she’ll ever say something like that to Kara, but she also couldn’t have imagined killing her brother or being utterly betrayed by the girl she’s in love with. It’s like she’s a whole different person. Like she’s suddenly lost all of the things that felt inherently good about her.

Kara sniffles and stares at her shoes for a couple of moments, finally she nods. She understands the place where Lena is now and pushing too hard is the last thing she wants to do, especially since this is her own massive error. “Okay” she searches for Lena’s green eyes in an effort to convey as much sincerity as possible “J-Just know that you’re still my hero and my best friend. Lena, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to take this back”

Lena can relate to that sentiment but her mind is in an automatic setting right now. So the words that come out of her mouth don’t reveal how desperately she wishes going back was an option instead of a fantasy. “You can’t,” she says with finality and Kara’s eyes jerk shut as the pain spreads through her face. When the reporter finally retreats she walks unsteadily like the weight of the world is pushing down on her, Lena just stares at her back until it starts to get blurry and when she rubs her eyes her fingers end up wet with the tears she hadn’t even felt spurring.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow I can't stop writing angst, it's like becoming a problem. sorry :c i'll make them make up next chapter.

“Miss Luthor?” her new assistant’s head peaks inside the room, it would be funny if Lena wasn’t extremely irritable right now. Her death stare causes the men’s speech to stutter “I-I am-am- sorry, I was knocking but you weren’t answering”

Lena sighs heavily while rubbing her left temple “No. it’s fine Jacob, I was just-“she eyes the sheets of paper tiredly “-trying to make sense of this”.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” he asks carefully but Lena still catches the pity behind it. To be fair she knows she's not looking great, the miserable expression on her face hasn’t softened a bit in three weeks and she spaces out quite often, much to her annoyance.

On the wall, the clock marks seven-thirty “Thank you but I think your shift ended an hour ago. Go home, I still have things to do but there’s no need for you to stay”

“Are you sure?” He insists and Lena feels her scarce patience getting to its limit, lately, any sort of questioning directed her way makes her want to roll her eyes. Jacob is young though, he’s probably never dealt with a boss that stays behind later than all their employees (he surveys suspiciously her attire when she doesn’t even bother to go home but diligently obeys when she asks him to bring her a fresh outfit) and he looks worried, so Lena cuts him some slack for the noisiness.

“I’ve been sued before, nothing to worry about as long as I’m smart about it” she offers the tiniest resemblance of a smile and makes a dismissive hand gesture “you better head home, I don’t want your fiancé to accuse me of keeping you here”

The boy blushes, he has the bad habit of oversharing when he’s nervous. Lena listens even if it seems like she’s not, despite avoiding inquiring or trading any personal information back (she’d made that mistake with enough people). “Yes, Miss Luthor. Have a nice evening” but then he remembers “oh, Kara Danvers tried to book a meeting with you again, and I know what you said but I just wanted to confirm if-”

Lena looks pointedly at the first line on the document without really reading anything “I’m not interested in any press right now. If Miss Danvers continues to insist please let her know I’m respectfully declining…again.”

“Of course.” He leaves with a short nod.

Lena slumps into the chair as soon as the door closes. Kara had been able to stay away for approximately a week before continuously trying to reach her, first trough her personal number and email and then resorting to Lena’s work contacts. At least she has enough neurons not to show up in person, though Lena accepts she’s been rejecting any social events she knows Kara might be reporting at, or appearing as Supergirl.

‘ _But when I’m gone, who will be left to be proud of you?_ ’ Lex’s words resonate inside her head. She gazes through the empty office room. Although there's probably nothing to be proud of anyways.

“No one” she murmurs to herself before a crocked smile breaks over her face. A humorless chuckle rises into existence and Lena rises from her chair, tingles running up her legs from sitting for too long. She shakes it off to go roaming through her minibar, when she finds what she was looking for she clicks her tongue with satisfaction.

Poitín isn’t her favorite drink by far, it tastes like shit most of the time and it isn’t gentle on the throat either but Lena does like this bottle. Lex had gifted it to her after she graduated from boarding school and they had gotten drunk with it in a little bar in Ireland, he’d taken to send her one every once in a while as some inside joke. She hasn’t opened this one, it’s the last one he sent, just before he went nuts. 

She serves the clear liquid and swallows it down before she can think too much of it, the burn isn’t as bad as she remembers. Still not pleasant as wine and it mostly just tastes like rubbing alcohol with a tad of sweetness, the heat that follows is better than expected though, spreading fast over her chest and her head lightens with it. There it is, that wave of frivolous heat is what she’d been chasing, to feel less alone.

She’s knocking down her second glass when a shadow in the wall alerts her, the silhouette is unmistakable. Lena almost scoffs, she’d clearly thought too highly of Kara’s restraint. There’s the subtle tapping of knuckles against the glass as the Kryptonian tries to get her attention, Lena knows what Kara is going to look like before she even turns around: windswept, hands on hips and begging expression. Regardless, when she spins and faces the sight it still manages to make her feel unsteady on her heels.

There’s a mildly concerned alarm going on in her head about how bad of an idea this is, she doesn’t know what she should be scared of more, the chance that Kara might somehow be able to persuade her into being forgiving or the absolute despair that’ll come if she can’t. The blonde taps the slide again, mouths something that Lena doesn’t catch because her thoughts are getting too loud again. Eventually, she strolls over lazily and unlocks the door with an uninterested manner that’s not even fooling herself but damn does she try. 

“You know, I’m curious. Did I overestimated your bravery or your stupidity?” Lena says coldly.

“Both?” Kara says with uncertainty.

“Right” she nods, tightening her hand around the bottle she’s still holding on to. Is this urge to throw breakable objects in her former’s best friend direction development to be expected? “Well, what do you want?”

Kara leans over the threshold, pushing the invisible barrier that’s keeping them apart but Lena doesn’t bulge, she stays put and raises an eyebrow. “Can we talk? I promise I’ll do whatever you want me to after, I’ll go away if that’s what you chose…” Kara’s white teeth bite nervously on her bottom lip “I really just want to talk things over, I can’t- I don’t want to act like we were never even part of each other’s lives, Lena”

A bunch of passive-aggressive comments comes to mind but she doesn’t voice any of them, which Lena blames on the alcohol instead of her dying need of answers. “If I give you teen minutes will you stop acting like some obsessive ex-boyfriend?”

The Kryptonian eagerly nods, ready to accept whatever boundaries Lena wants to impose. The CEO’s brows knit in a severe expression before she states her demands “if I tell you to leave, you leave. If I tell you to never bother me again, you’ll do just that. Got it?”

“Yes. Hundred percent” Kara says bobbing her head furiously.

When Lena turns around, Kara follows diligently, almost tripping over as she watches the familiar figure she’s been missing for two weeks. Much to the blonde’s surprise Lena takes a sharp turn instead of heading to the couch, she settles graciously behind her desk, bottle and glass still in reach. Kara resigns herself to sit in the chair across the desk, awkwardly flipping her cape when it comes in the way and feeling fidgety under the heavy scrutinizing look Lena is giving her.

It’s awful and impersonal, makes her feel like this is more a trail than a conversation, although to be fair Lena has every right to be in such a defensive mentality. Kara can’t help but take her in, with her perfect posture and professional poker face, this is angry Lena and Kara finds her own hands shaking with how unnatural it feels.

Lena taps her fingers impatiently “I don’t have all night, Supergirl”

“Sorry!” the apology comes out too loud and Kara winces “I’m sorry. I guess I don’t know where to start exactly”

“Why are you here then?” Lena’s sardonic tone is a sharp knife to Kara’s heart.

“Because I miss you,” she says firmly despite how scared she is “because I’m sorry and I miss you, and I want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you. I would never want to do that”

Lena hums thoughtfully “doesn’t fit with the whole ‘I’m actually an alien that’s been lying to you for years’, does it?” 

Kara clasps her hands tightly as she feels shame washing over her “No, it doesn’t”

Slender fingers grab the bottle and Lena pours her third drink “see, I was under the impression that you were a bad liar. However, it appears either you’re a really good one or I’ve just been going stupid”

“Stupid it’s not a word that I would use to describe you” Kara interjects quickly “I only lied to you when I had to, Lena, and every time it pained me to keep it from you.”

“Why?” Lena asks, sipping carefully on her drink “why was it that you _needed_ to lie?” the spite it’s evident in her voice but she refrains from making air quotes.

“So you’d stay safe” Kara tries meekly “people who know my identity have been kidnapped, Lena. Alex… Alex almost died because someone was trying to blackmail me.”

Lena pauses as she sees the fear in the blonde’s expression. “I’m easily the most recurrent target on assassin’s hit lists, Kara” she says slightly less aggressive. Kara perks up as she hears her name being uttered by Lena for the first time in three torturous weeks. “It’s not that good of an excuse” 

Kara shakes her head “I’m not- I don’t want to excuse myself. I want to apologize, and I want you to understand why. Because I know that you think it’s got something to do with you but it doesn’t, it wasn’t because I didn’t trust you, or because I thought you’d hurt me if you found out or anything”

“You were scared though. When I told you about the Kryptonite you were scared of me.” Lena remembers, the look of panic and then rage that Supergirl had given her. She also remembers the devastation in her face when Lena had rejected her friendship later, the watering eyes that had stared at her in confusion. Kara’s eyes.

The Kryptonian drags herself forward, making the chair squeal “I wasn’t, I swear I wasn’t. After you left that night- Jeez, you took two steps in a different direction and I wanted to run after you so bad. Kryptonite scares me, its mere existence scares me and I can’t think straight when it’s involved” Kara rushes an explanation. “I’m still scared, I got defensive and stupid and it might have cost me every single thing we built together. I’m sorry”

“You want me to just… forgive you?” Lena says in bafflement. “I broke every rule for you, Kara. Allowed you to know me, do you understand how hard that is? Only to find out in the end that no matter how hard I try, it will always circle towards betrayal. I-“ Her words come out honest and loaded with a pain she’d swore never to reveal, but it’s now breaking free. “I keep hoping the result to be different, but I suppose it’ll never happen”

“I haven’t betrayed you” Kara’s leaning hard into the desk as it’ll somehow disappear and the distance won’t be there anymore.

Lena swirls her glass, opting to look at the clear liquid instead of the deepness of Kara’s supplicant eyes. “You lied, Kara. You lied about so much” grappling with the feeling of losing trust from her best friend is one of the worst things Lena’s ever dealt with. She has thought about it for nights on end, till the early sun risings, and logically she knows the matter it’s complicated. Understandably she’s lied many times herself, to Kara and Supergirl, said not so kind things to her face during arguments. So is she being hypocritical? Perhaps. Does knowing that ease the hurt of Kara’s duplicity? Not really.

“Yes, I lied. I’ve been lying to people about who I am since I was thirteen” Kara says with a displeased expression “and when I lied to you I thought that I was doing it for the right reasons. I believed that I was keeping myself safe, and then, I started believing I was keeping you safe too. But it grew into something more.”

“Because I got to sit here.” Kara surveys the room to emphasize, then she turns her gaze back to her “I got to see who you were. At first, I had no idea what I was going to be met with, but turns out from the moment I left your office, I had the realization that you were someone special. Every moment that I have spent with you in the last few years has done nothing more than reinforce that feeling.” The blonde nervously smiles at the remembrance of Lena laughing to her bad jokes on this very room “Before I knew it, I couldn’t think about what it would be like to not have you there anymore. I was already knee-deep in secrets, secrets that I didn’t want to keep any more from you and it just felt like if I told you I would lose you. I was too scared I’d lose you”

Lena watches the turmoil unravel over Kara’s face as she talks, could it be that Kara threw herself at overthinking the whole situation for the last three weeks just like she had? Does it mean she cares?

“And I-I just told myself that I would tell you soon when it was the right moment. Of course, the right moment never came. It was never going to be the right moment to hurt you with what I did. Till the point where it got easier. Pretending that I wasn’t two different people in your life so I’d still have you in mine.” Kara sighs and hurriedly swipes a tear away before continuing “the truth is I was afraid and selfish. I was a terrible friend, just because I wanted to stay as your friend. Not your superpowered alien enemy, but your normal friend; the one that gets to sit here and watch you snort when I say something dorky.”

Kara shrugs, with the resignation of personal disappointment “I didn’t want you to see me differently. But I guess now we both get to hate me for it.”

Lena's feet carry her mindlessly out of her chair and into the Kryptonian’s space, Kara scrambles to detach from the desk and push her chair back into its original place, unsure of how to act with the reduced distance. Lena leans back into the wood where powerful hands had gripped slightly too hard –the same ones that are now resting on Kara’s lap-, noticing the nervous yet hopeful shine of blue eyes looking up at her.

“Do you think I haven’t felt that way? I’ve told you terrifying things, the kind of things friends don’t stick around for” Lena hears the accusation dripping out of her words “and yet I told you. Because I was sure of one thing: that you’d always be my friend”

“I am” Kara says brokenly, fingers twitching in her lap.

“I don’t think our concept of friendship is aligning anymore, Kara” she hisses back, dislodging from the desk and towering dangerously over Kara’s sited figure. “Stop acting like this can somehow be fixed. You knew very well this would destroy us and you did it anyway, that’s it.” 

She’d been foolish enough to start believing in people again. Like some little kid immersed in a fantasy world, she’d showed every crack in her armor and life decided to show its ugly claws, shoving them into the gaps to stab her.

“Lena, I didn’t mean to-“Kara’s hand shoots up to grab hers, and almost as a reflex, the glass leaves her grip, considering Lena is toeing tipsy her aim is pretty good. The blonde manages to catch it before it collides with her face, the remaining liquid slowly spilling down her arm and soaking the blue fabric of her suit.

The moment stretches horribly long, as the blue eyes shakily try to search for Lena’s green ones. But she’s done.

“I believe we’ve got nothing else to discuss. I’m having a busy night and surely you’re needed somewhere else.” Lena states as she turns around, sorting difficulty through the incessant thoughts.

Kara places a soft hand on top of her shoulder and for some reason unbeknownst to her, Lena lets her. Just for a second, as she breathes heavily, Lena considers the possibility of succumbing. Just for a second.

“Leave.” She utters with her last string of resistance.

Kara does, faithful to their earlier agreement. Lena’s left split between relief and regret, but she still stands straight like a Luthor should, even if it takes her an awful lot of struggle to do it.

 _‘you’re left with no one and nothing_ ’ Lex had said. She can’t help but agree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know exactly how terribly this is in the comments <3333


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooooo, this took me a long ass time to write because of life but I can't really duel on it any longer since I'm entering finals. Also, it was only supposed to be one more chapter but my brain decided against that.

Kara’s whole body is numb by the time she’s circled the globe by the fifth time. It’s not the cold air, it’s the feeling of sorrow that has been chasing her around since she took off from Lena’s office. She’d flown fast, in a desperate attempt to hide from it, but it’s creeping on her inevitably. The events of the last hour did a number on her and she’s tired. She’s never been so tired, not even when she pushed the million-ton alien prison into space.

Losing people. It’s the thing that manages to steal all of her energy, all of her vitality, kryptonite it’s nothing compared to watching the people she loves slipping away. It’s being shoved in a dark hole of nothingness and laying like a waste.

Sixth turn: the sorrow it’s right behind her, predatorily waiting for the perfect moment. Kara knows she can’t outrun it so she instinctually goes to the safest place she knows of, the only place where she lets herself fall apart fully. Abruptly she’s standing inside the poorly lit apartment, two faces are staring at her with matching frighten expression.

“Kara?” Alex lowers her gun, her combative stance breaking as she recognizes her. Kara steps forward and her boot collides with the door.

“Oh, sorry,” Kara says quietly, realizing she must have taken the door off its hinges “I- your door…”

She looks at her sister and then at the other figure. Kelly is here. She scrambles awkwardly to lift the door, then she drops it when her fingers crush through the wood.

“I- sorry, I’ll leave”

“Hey, no, you’re not going anywhere” Alex says, holstering the gun and casually stepping over the collapsed door.

Kara backtracks and raises her hands apologetically “no, no, I’ll leave. You’re-“her voice cracks “I’m sorry I interrupted”

“Don’t make me call mom” Alex threatens, with a worried frown. Then she looks over her shoulder to a perplex Kelly. “can we finish watching it some other time? sorry”

The woman forces herself to stop staring at the extraordinary picture of Supergirl looking sheepish “Yeah, sure”

Kara is nearing the door when Alex snaps her head back, stopping her escape “ah- ah, I’ll hunt you down, you know I will. Just give me a minute”

The next long frothy seconds Kara sends them with her head bowed down as she watches Kelly pick up her purse and then listens to the brief damage control Alex offers their friend in the hallway. She’s considering just flying out of the window when Alex comes back inside.

“I broke your door”

Alex shrugs “it’s okay, I can fix it.” she says simply “come on, help me. Your biceps are bigger for a reason”

They manage to place the door precariously but well enough for a temporary arrangement, Alex drops a couple of witty comments but doesn’t demand any answers form her yet. When they’re done and Kara stares emptily at the crooked door Alex sighs, extending her hand towards her.

Kara shakes her head “I broke your door” her voice waivers with fear “I’m n-not good right now… I-“

Alex clicks her tongue “come on, have I ever been afraid of you?”

Kara wants to say _yes_ and _you should_ , but Alex’s gaze is already sweetly reprimanding and unwavering. When it comes to stubbornness Alex has always been the champion.

“You’re not going to hurt me, dummy.” Alex delivers with soft teasing.

The Kryptonian’s arms hang loosely at her sides and she looks at her sister with guilt “I might”

Alex smiles sadly, feeling an immense amount of tenderness for the girl “give me some credit, I’m tough” 

“You don’t get it, Alex….” She insists brokenly “all I do is hurt people”

It sounds so nonsensical Alex almost huffs “you save people for a living, Kara. Not only as Supergirl but as Kara Danvers”

“Then tell me why I keep screwing up!” the outburst comes as sudden as lightning, but Alex doesn’t flinch. She runs a hand over her head as her worry increases, an upset Kara is not an uncommon sight to witness (at least not for Alex). As much as her sister’s tendency drifts towards being a ball of sunshine, the bad days are not a strange occurrence. Often Kara will show up with a deep brow crease and raid her fridge as she complains, but then she’ll eventually settle, allowing Alex to comfort her about whatever is bothering her. And yet there are other times. Times where Kara just seems lost and unresponsive, like something is eating her inside but she can’t spit it out as easily, that’s when Alex knows something it’s wrong.

“I take it you talked to Lena?” she says it as casually as she can, trying to be the collected presence her sister needs when she’s panicking.

Kara’s eyelids squeeze shut as a pained sob slips out, the weight of her feelings finally catching up to her and she almost bends over as the comeuppance leaves her out of breath. She only realizes she’s having a sensory overload when she’s already in the thick of it. When everything sounds too loud and her x-ray vision is starting to flicker, giving her a glimpse of the five stories bellow Alex’s apartment.

It feels like an eternity before quick fingers are placing the lead-lined glasses on her eyes and strong arms embracing her in a hug that’s probably uncomfortably tight for a human body, but Alex keeps the constant pressure. It’s the pressure that helps most of the time since Kara was 13, the sensation of being pulled into reality instead of floating in an endless void of space.

“s-she h-hates- me” Kara sobs as she trembles harder inside of her sister’s hold.

Alex finds it utterly heartbreaking and a surge of rage blossoms in her chest, a protective instinct that’s awoken and ready to punch someone. She puts it out reluctantly, rage won’t make Kara feel better. The problem is that she doesn’t know what could, because the only person that can make Kara feel better is Lena Luthor. Regardless, Alex tries.

“Lena will come around-“she promises as she brushes her fingers through immaculate gold curls “it’s going to be fine. You’re Kara and Lena, everything will be fine” 

Kara’s only response is more loud sobbing.

* * *

She has perfect teeth, perfect eyes, and perfect golden skin. With her hair thrown into a messy bun and the glasses, those stupid glasses that make her look younger than she is. Kara is gorgeous and radiant to a criminal extent, Lena can’t help but stare at her.

Her fingers start digging into her tights when Kara laughs, so open and warm. It’s uncanny how this feels like torture but also the only way to stay sane and operational. Those couple of minutes where she can pretend everything is as it should be, yet those moments fade away so quickly that they leave her in a state of stupor. Only this time it’s not a lab emergency. 

“I’ll save you the humiliation of telling me exactly what you’re watching”

The moving portrait freezes as Lena startles from the rude interruption, one quick finger motion, and her eyes are clear again. Green and aware, instead of the absent cloudiness of before.

“I would certainly hope that it was something productive,” Lillian says as she inspects the untouched meal Lena has laid down for herself, it had been warm before she got lost on memory lane.

“Mother” Lena can hear the exhaustion through the cold greeting. “Would you mind sharing how you got into my apartment?”

“No. I can, however, advise you to rethink your security measures, it may keep others at bay but not so much with me” the smug grin that accompanies the sentence has Lena clenching her jaw.

She regains a speck of control by straightening her posture, thankful she has yet to change out of her work clothes. If her mom were to see her on some worn down pajamas it would be disastrous. 

“Have you come out of the shadows to instruct me on security matters?”

Lillian ignores the quippy question and instead sits down, facing Lena and looks at her with something that resembles amusement “I’ve been keeping eyes on you, you’ve seen some better days. This is the first time you’ve stepped out of the office this week, I thought I should visit you” 

Lena licks her lips with confusion “I have honestly no idea why you insist on playing the concerned mother role. Last time I saw you, you slapped me and told me I should be dead.”

“I must admit I was harsh on you and perhaps swayed by…emotion” Lillian struggles to say it, and once it’s out of her mouth she swiftly moves past it “I wasn’t wrong though. You’ve been foolish and overconfident-“

“Seems to be a family thread” Lena jabs in quickly, Lillian reprimands her with a harsh look but continues her speech.

“Now that you’ve finally decided to detach yourself from certain bad influences, I think what I’ve got to offer might be easier to comprehend”

A sculpted eyebrow raises “if it involves more of your genocidal antics, you know I never acquired the taste for it” _or have you?_ her conscious questions. Killing Lex hasn’t too hard, the hard part was the bastard took everything she cared for to the grave with him.

“My proposal doesn’t involve any of that” her mother idly retorts, still, Lena identifies the telling deviancy in her eyes. _‘not yet’_ doesn’t have to be uttered for her to know it. “Given your recent fall out with the girl of steel, I couldn’t help but wonder if you’d finally agree to retaliate for what was unfairly taken from you.”

“Which is what exactly?”

“Your brother. Your dignity. I don’t know, you probably already have a long list” Lillian points out with a vague hand gesture, clearly trying to hit a nerve. Unfortunately for Lena, the sentence holds so much truth it’s uncomfortable. Has she been resentfully overthinking about all of the things she’s lost thanks to Kara’s lies? Yeah, pretty much daily. “Come on, Lena. If you never hit back she’ll just keep you under her thumb”

“I’m not a child anymore, mother.” Lena’s anger soars at the insinuation that she’s in any way, shape or form under anybody’s thumb.

“No” Lillian recognizes “you’re a grown woman, a powerful and respected businesswoman with the highest IQ of the family.”

Lena blinks confusedly, Lillian has never shown such blatant flattery towards her. No, she’s always been the one to fall short on her mother’s view, never compared in the slightest with the golden boy that was her brother.

“I want you to act according to what you are. I certainly hope your gifted brain has realized who the real enemy is and decides your next move accordingly. You’re my daughter, after all, shouldn’t be too hard” Lillian concludes.

The words aren’t particularly warm but the way Lillian says daughter almost makes tears rush to her eyes because it somehow sounds the way a proud parent would say it. She’s not stupid, the probability of this being real and not an elaborate manipulative mind game is low. But what else could she lose at this point right? She’s nobody’s friend anymore…she’s nobody’s sister. But she has the chance to be Lillian’s daughter.

“You want to kill her?” Lena asks with dread. As enraged as she is with Kara, she knows killing her is not something she’d ever consider.

Lillian drums her fingers “would you be up for that?” Lena’s expression must be resolute because of her mother sighs “yeah, I didn’t think so. I won’t be killing her, I just want her off the planet. I’m sure you want that too, considering she’s betrayed you in every single way”

At last, Lillian proposal is awfully appealing to Lena’s bleeding heart.

* * *

Lena’s fingers stop right before she hits the last digit. This isn’t a good idea. In fact, this might be the worst idea to ever cross her mind, and yet when she gazes momentarily towards her mother fate feels like it’s sealed. It’s not that Lillian looks particularly reassuring or caring, not at all. Lena knows she’s just a tool but there’s a burning desire within her to still be needed. To please her mother so that she stays around, and then it won’t just be her, lonely and drowning in the knowledge she’d lost everything she cared about.

Kara picks up way too fast, her voice far too hopeful “Lena?”

Lillian lifts the gun and shoots, the loud bang echoes in the closed space of the empty building and Lena can hear the sharp breath intake from Kara on the phone line.

“LENA!?”

She hangs up, heart racing. Lillian gives her a pleased nod and Lena shuffles nervously on her spot. There isn’t even time for her to register what she just did because Kara is already breaking through the ceiling, frantic eyes trying to locate her. Turns out the bait works as wonderfully as Lillian predicted.

The confusion in the blue eyes is unmistakable as she surveys the scene, far different from the dire situation she’d expected to find. Instead of the imminent danger, she’d imagined Lena being put through, Lena is just standing next to her mother, looking uncertain but unharmed.

“ _Lena?_ are you okay? I heard…” Lillian points the gun in her direction confidently, Kara’s speech falters even though there’s no indication of the presence of Kryptonite “- a gunshot.”

The young woman doesn’t answer the question, she just keeps her robotic stance in place and Kara knows by the slight glassiness of her eyes and her wildly beating heart that she’s actually pretty scared.

Kara tries her best at sounding reassuring, eyes glued to Lena’s “whatever this is, let’s just talk it over. Nobody has to get hurt right now, okay? Lee, we can sit down and you can tell me-“

Lillian moves ever so slightly to the right, looming over her daughter in a way that Kara isn’t sure if define as protective or controlling. “This isn’t going to be a discussion, Supergirl. You’re only going to listen, and if there are some functioning neurons behind those blonde bangs you’ll agree with it.”

“I’m not agreeing to anything you say” Kara states before turning to Lena again “Lena, please… I don’t know what’s going on but I can tell it isn’t something you want to be a part of.”

“You’re wrong. This is the only thing I’m still a part of” There’s no discernible emotion behind the words, and it’s honestly terrifying. Kara’s incredibility shows immediately as she frowns, her mouth opens to retort but talking feels like an impossible task.

“Good, now we’re all on the same page. So, let me enlighten you about the meaning of this gathering, Supergirl” Lillian says deprecatingly “you are going to climb on that ship-“ Kara looks behind her to where the woman’s pointing and sees a small pod “-and head over to Argo city. I heard that your cousin is there already, so feel free to tell him you two will be settling permanently there.”

The Kryptonian’s confusion starts to morph into anger quickly at the mention of Kal-El, the thought of her unborn niece or nephew coming to her mind.

“Before you get any ideas, this isn’t negotiable. You’re leaving.”

“Or what?” Kara says as she balls her hands into fists, pent up.

“Or we will be forced to tell the entire world who you are. Who your cousin is and in witch galaxy is the rest of your kind hiding. But I’d rather not do that. It would be terribly inconvenient to start an intergalactic war. The daximites we're annoying enough, can't imagine what dealing with you Kryptonian's must be like-”

“What are you talking about?” Kara asks, Lillian finds the naivety very amusing. Lena just stares at some dust particle in total silence, arms crossed over her chest.

“Well, the Russians already got a taste of what it's like to have a powerful Kryptonian as a weapon, imagine if they found out there are a bunch of you somewhere. I mean, the Russian, the Americans, any other government, it will be a matter of time before they went after you.” Lillian explains calmly and Kara feels fear creeping on her.

“The children would probably be their first target, it’s _easier_ to indoctrinate them. Adults are more likely to resist, so they probably would aim to kill them. Some humans might be on your side, your sister mostly, but the public won’t care. We’re humans, we do not care about the things that don’t directly affect us”

Kara stares between Lillian and Lena with a deadly glare, her brain sluggishly processing the information. Fury and protectiveness are taking over her rapidly, the crest on her chest feels heavy with duty and she knows no matter what she’ll protect her people, her family. The problem is she’s split. If there’s a war Argo will suffer but so will Earth. No matter who wins, in the end, she’ll be regretful.

“You…You can’t do this” Kara starts to feel like the world is spinning. Her eyes warming up dangerously, the telling sign of her heat vision turning on. Lillian has the decency to look slightly worried about it, Lena steps forward.

“We don’t want to, I-“her voice cracks mid-sentence when the crackling fire recedes to show blue eyes again. Kara’s eyes are full of despair and disappointment. Lena thought it wouldn’t matter, that she wouldn’t care, that her anger would be enough to pull through with this. Turns out it’s not.

“I- Kara, I’m-“

Lillian jumps in as she perceives Lena’s doubt increase. “What my daughter means is that we’d rather not do that. We will be perfectly served if you took residence in Argo and never came back. Humanity will forget about the Supers and move on, you and your species can have a peaceful existence far away from our galaxy.” She says it like it’s such a generous offer, Kara is urging to punch her in the face.

“So you just want to forcefully deport me. That’s it?” she’s so mad tears are forming against her will.

“I’ve lost a lot thanks to your family. Alexander wasn’t perfect, but he was my child. Believe me, I want to kill you, and your presumptions cousin. But I’m trying to conform with getting you out of my sight”

“Should I fucking thank you!?” Kara shouts, she takes two angry steps forward before a sharp pain stops her. Greenlight floods the room, the kryptonite emitters must have been covered with lead for her to miss them.

“You said there wouldn’t be Kryptonite!” Kara hears Lena faintly scream at her mother, she scrambles for her tablet trying to shut it off but Lillian has it coded. “Turn it off!” the CEO demands, watching the collapsed Kryptonian groan in pain.

“It’s only a precaution.” Lillian shrugs it off, looking at her daughter with disdain. Then she turns to Kara “I know you’re thinking about killing me, but you should know we planned for that. If I don’t type back a very particular code in thirty minutes, Lena’s VR device will broadcast to thousands of people Supergirl’s identity, as well as Superman’s and the exact location of Argo city.”

The smile of satisfaction in her face is utterly deviant, as she walks closer to the fallen hero “You have to decide now or I’ll make the decision for you” the woman points the gun at her. Kara is collecting her strength to make one last desperate move that will probably kill her when Lena’s figure interrupts her view, stepping in between Kara and her mother. 

“Lena-“ the exasperation on Lillian’s voice is evident.

“I can’t do this” Kara knows by the strain of her voice that Lena is probably shaking.

Lillian huffs “Step aside and let’s get on with it. You know she’s got no choice but leave, you agreed it would be better that way”

“I was wrong. I’m not letting you do this.” Lena says sternly.

“Darling, whatever moral line you think you’d be crossing it’s not there, it doesn't exist” Lillian tries her last shot at convincing her “She betrayed your trust, she _killed_ your brother. I know-“

Lena shakes her head “how long before you go after Argo yourself?”

Kara catches a glimpse of Lena’s right hand, the one she’s kept behind her back. She’s clasping a small remote control. _What is she doing?_ Kara wonders.

Lillian ignores the question.

“See. I know you, there will never be an end for you. Not until they are dead, right? I thought I could change that, that maybe we could be family and- it doesn’t matter. You won’t change, neither could Lex.”

“Stop pretending like you’re better than us, Lena. Look where you are, what you’re doing. You’re just like us, refusing to accept that it’s just lying to yourself” Lillian says as she tries to shove Lena out of the way. The girl doesn’t bulge, she speaks closely to her mother’s face.

“You’re right, I’m no better. That’s why I killed him.” Lena presses the button on the remote. The power shuts down, and so do the Kryptonite emitters. Lillian barely reacts but Lena knows her too well, she’s shocked and probably speechless. “I killed your son” she clarifies.

Kara manages to sit up, the green fading from her skin quickly. Just not quickly enough. She’s dizzy, but she sees the coldness in Lillian’s eyes. There’s a second of silence and then the loudest sound Kara’s ever heard as Lillian pulls the trigger. Lena only gasps, as the blood starts soaking her dress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go ahead and tell me how predictable I am in the comments :3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the end. do I like it? No. am I going to post it? Yes.

Lena’s ears ring for a long while, or at least for what it feels like a long while. She stares into her mother’s eyes as her hand instinctively presses the wound on her belly, feeling the liquid spill out onto her fingers. Inevitably, she wonders if this is how Lex felt, the rapid beating of heart canceling any other sensation and the way time stretches like it’s irrelevant. Then she starts feeling faint and her legs don’t seem so firm anymore, instead, they buck down and have her plummeting surely to the ground. However, her landing is much softer than predicted, firm yet soft. Kara, she thinks, as she becomes aware of the familiar warmth behind the careful touch.

Her brain starts to process sound again at that moment.

“Lena! Hey, Lee, can you hear me? Please stay awake, please stay awake-“Kara’s hands fumble to press down on the wound.

“ _Ouch_ ” Lena utters quietly.

“Lena, hold on, I’m going to-“

The blonde turns to Lillian just as the woman lifts the gun once again, but before she can ever start pulling the trigger Kara is on her. Despite the roaring anger she’s feeling, Kara manages to knock Lillian out without splitting her skull in half. Then she hurries back to where Lena is lying, only to find her way less conscious than before, growing paler by the second. 

She’s starting to panic, seeing the red stain expanding over Lena’s dress. But she can’t panic, because if she panics Lena might die and merely the thought of it is unbearable. So she holds it together because Lena needs her.

“Hold on, okay? I’m getting you to a doctor alright? Hey, hey keep looking at me.” Kara speaks rapidly as she gathers Lena on her arms. Lena’s eyelids are dropping but she makes an effort to keep them open, staring at the Kryptonian’s face “that’s it, it’s me. I’ll get you out of here, everything’s going to be okay, just keep your pretty eyes open, please, _please_ ” 

By the time Kara gets to the DEO Lena is unconscious and slack, but still breathing. Kara is already openly sobbing by the time she lays her down on the stretcher, there’s a bunch of people trying to get information from her but she legitimately can’t understand a single thing. All she’s aware of is they are taking Lena with them, but when she tries to follow she’s stopped, she trashes against the hold before she realizes who is it.

“ _Kara! Stop! Listen to me, we have to get her into surgery_ ” Alex’s Kryptonian is still not perfect and she has a slight accent but it’s enough to calm her down “ _I have to go in there now, I promise that I’ll bring her back to you, okay? I need you to stop freaking out for me to do that_ ”

“ _I-I, Alex, I don’t- she’s hurt…_ ” her tongue flops uselessly as she tries to talk.

Alex grabs both sides of her face, switching to English “I know, I know that. Stay here, please stay here and trust me. I’m not letting her die, Kara. I promise”

The blonde nods and Alex storms off, following the medical team. Kara stands there for a while before Nia is pulling her along into a vacant room, sitting the blonde down when she senses her instability.

The young woman squats beside her chair “Kara?” she puts a soothing hand over Kara’s jerking knee “Lena is going to be fine. She looks dainty but we all know how strong she is, you two will be beating us at charades in no time”

Kara breaks down at the mention of such a fond memory, hiding her face in her hands and weeping as quietly as she can. Nia watches her with surprise, this is the first time she’s seen Kara cry, and the way the woman shudders as she cries into her hands, still covered in dried blood, it’s heartbreaking. So she tries to remain a calming presence, sneaking a hand behind Kara’s back when the girl doubles over in the chair and rubbing tiny circles hoping it helps somehow.

“Oh Rao” Kara snaps suddenly, wiping the tears on her cheeks “oh no, no, no”

“What’s wrong?” Nia asks in confusion when the blonde jumps to her feet.

“I forgot about Lillian” Kara says as she hurries to the door.

“What do you mean?” Nia shouts behind her.

“She shot her! Lillian shot her, I have to get her” the low rumble of Kara’s voice showcases how massively furious she is, she spits the name like it’s repulsive.

Nia grabs her by the arm, but Kara keeps walking and it’s like trying to stop a moving car “Kara! Do you even know where she is, wait!” her efforts are useless until she stands directly in Kara’s path and the blonde’s forced to face her.

“She’s right where I left her” Kara argues.

“Okay, tell me where and I’ll go get her,” Nia says in a matter of fact tone.

Kara frowns severely “I’ll get there faster, get out of the way.”

Nia shakes her head “you’re hyper pissed at her, which means she’s probably concussed so she won’t be able to run anytime soon. I can get here, okay? you stay here, with Lena”

“I can’t-“Kara starts to retort but Nia, stops her.

“I don’t think you are in the condition to see Lillian right now, I don’t mean it in a bad way, just… let me do this.”

“I have to do _something_ , Nia” Kara sounds decided, with her hands on her hips. Unmovable.

Nia succumbs, it’s not like she can physically stop her anyway “okay, but I’m coming with”

Turns out, bringing Nia along is a really good idea because as soon as Kara catches sight of Lillian she feels an indescribable surge of wrath. If it weren’t for the calming glances the young hero directs her way, she might have lost it. The fact that Lillian is still passed out and unable to spit her characteristic vicious words also helps a lot.

Once Lillian is in the capable hands of the DEO agents though, that’s when Kara loses her angry focus. Now all she has left is an immense worry for Lena, she listens carefully for the beating of Lena’s heart and her eyes water as she finds it. It’s not the strong rhythmic sound she’s accustomed to, it’s faint and ever so spaced out in an unsettling way. Kara sticks to the outskirts of the medical bay, pacing absently and begging silently to Rao, so that he allows Lena to stay alive. It doesn’t matter if Lena never forgives her, she’ll gladly have that hate whilst she can live in a world where Lena’s heart is still there for her to hear.

One hour turns into two, and then three. Nia gives her space but checks in to give her hopeful smiles, and Brainy shows up to tell her how good Lena’s survival odds are, but both of them realize pretty quickly there’s no effective way of making her less worried or even sit down for that matter. J’onn is trying to bribe her with donuts into the break room when Alex finally returns.

Kara is on her immediately “Lena?”

Alex smiles tiredly “She’s stable”

“How bad is it?” Kara probes impatiently. “Can I see her? Is she awake?”

“No, she’s on very heavy anesthesia” Alex drags her into the break room, ignoring her sister’s protests “apart from the blood loss there was some organ damage. Luckily Lena happens to be friends with people that have access to advanced alien technology, so we repaired most of the compromised tissue. Your girl will be fine”

Kara slumps into the nearest chair “really?” she asks with incredibility.

“I mean she’s still healing but it should take considerably less time and she’ll make a full recovery.” Alex pours herself a gigantic cup of coffee before sitting down beside the blonde “Reign snapped my leg last year and it's like it never happened. Lena won’t even get a scar… I think”

“Oh thank Rao” Kara cries in relief, her fears withdrawing significantly.

Alex pulls her in by the cape, Kara goes easily and lays her head on her sister’s shoulder. “I told you she’d be fine”

Kara snorts “shut up” she says, but she adds a genuine thank you after.

“So, what the hell happened?” Alex inquires. Kara exhales dramatically before she starts the narration.

* * *

Lena is conscious for at least five minutes before she’s able to finally open her eyes. Slowly, very slowly, because it sort of feels like every single atom on her body is being weighed down by an invisible force. In reality, she’s just exhausted and battered, but at least there’s no pain.

Her brain takes a sweet couple of seconds until she’s finally processing light again. There’s barely any light, so it must be pretty late. The second thing her brain processes is the pressure on her right hand, when her eyes look for the source she finds the sight of a dozed off Kryptonian sitting impossibly close to her bed. Even though the thing is rather narrow, Kara somehow has managed to sneak her head so that is resting besides Lena’s hand, the same hand the blonde is clutching carefully.

Unlike Lena, Kara seems to have been awake for a long time. Her blue eyes are bloodshot and there’s a small wet stain on the thin sheet under her cheek, and she must have realized Lena was going to wake up because she’s already staring. Lena sees the fragility of Kara’s composure, it’s written all over her face and just then she remembers (blurrily, but real) the events that just went down.

She doesn’t know what to say, how would you even begin a conversation at all after… after that. Her hand squeezes Kara’s in the meantime, hoping to hold on to something palpable. Something good. Overall, she’s surprised Kara would want to hold her hand considering what just went down.

“I'm sorry” it comes out a little choked out, and she’s annoyed at the roughness of her voice. Kara sniffles adorably, Lena can’t stop herself from rubbing her thumb over the back of the other girl’s hand.

“You’re a jerk” Kara says and Lena can tell the words are true, even if they still sound soft.

“I know. ‘m sorry.” She tries again. An apology doesn’t seem enough to fix anything but is the only thing that keeps being pushed out of her mouth. Lena feels an urgent need for Kara to understand those stupid words that don’t transmit half of what she wants to say. “I’m sorry”

Lena catches the way her eyes start watering again. She drops Kara’s hand to lift her own, brushing away the messy bangs the blonde probably squished against the sheets at some point "do you hate me?".

There’s a pause, Kara considers it.

“No. I don’t” she answers simply.

Lena’s eyebrows raise in surprise “why not?” the question is honest, because Lena can’t fathom how is it possible for Kara to even look at her without burning her into a crisp. “I almost…” she can’t finish the sentence.

“Do you hate me?” Kara returns the question, throwing her a knowing look.

Oh.

Lena swallows heavily “No. I don’t think I can do that” her thumb swipes over Kara’s brow, delighted with the soft hairs “I thought I could. That it would be easier to let go of you if I did. I can’t, I love you too much”

Kara’s expression freezes at the admission. It’s not something they haven’t said before but it’s something she hadn’t hoped to ever hear again.

“But you should hate me.” Lena adds because she almost…she almost…

“Can’t either. I mean, I’m mad but- I love you” The blonde shrugs lamely “it also helps to know you were bluffing with the whole exposing me thing. Brainy hacked everything you own before he came to the conclusion there was never really an expose on Supergirl anywhere”

Lena hums.

“Lena, I don’t understand why you would- I mean, was it real or…” Kara stops when her voice gets strangled by emotion, she doesn’t want to finish that sentence. “Where you going to- if I didn’t, I…”

The blonde struggles, not knowing how to express what she’s feeling regarding Lena’s involvement in Lillian’s cruel plan.

Lena inhales deeply before talking, trying to organize her thoughts into something semi-coherent. “Lillian came out with the plan. For the most part, I remained a bystander, just going along with what she’d told me. But I never set up the devices to do anything, just convinced her I had. She assured me it would be an empty threat. That we wouldn’t actually go through with none of it, because you’d just leave. I wanted that, I wanted to stop worrying about the next time you’d show up and whether I would surrender and forgive you.”

Kara’s face contortions in pain and she bites her lip to stop the imminent wave of tears. Lena feels like her heart is ripping apart but she continues, she can’t be a hypocrite so she has to be honest about it. Even though she’d sure rather spare Kara the pain.

“I accepted the offer. I guess I wanted to hold on to something… someone, to tell me that I was doing right.” Lena lets out a strange giggle, coming to terms with how absurd her reasoning was “Mother knew she could use that, and I was too burdened by emotions to see otherwise. It was an act, telling me I was finally the daughter she expected me to be and somewhere inside me I understood it was fake, but it felt… good” the hatred she pours into that word is revealing of how she feels towards herself right now.

“Good. That’s a funny concept. I assumed if I tried to be good then my life would have meaning. But no matter how hard I try to do right it always comes out twisted, so why try? Why try to be good and kind and compassionate if it gets you nowhere. _Fuck_ , I made my way up by being cold and calculated in boardrooms, all of those rich men in suits aren’t good either.”

Kara looks surprised to hear that, if only for a second. Until she remembers exactly who raised Lena, of course, she’s been told all her life that being good is a liability. “You’re good,” she says, convinced to the bone of her words “ _You are_. If you weren’t I’d be dead right now” she insists, sneaking a hand to rest over the spot where lead bit flesh. It’s only a superficial wound now, but she is careful.

Lena follows the movement, watching Kara’s fingers twitch against the fabric and feeling the warmth sweeping into the skin below. Then her eyes snap back to recognize the soft loving gaze Kara gives her so often.

“I just did the most awful thing I could ever think of, how can you think I’m good?” Lena says, her expression conflicted.

“Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty mad” Kara clarifies with a pointed look “but I also know this wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t lie to you. And, I also made a promise to a friend –a long time ago- that I would always be on her side.”

“I don’t think your friend deserves that. Not anymore” Lena argues, incredibly aware of her humongous unforgivable mistake.

Kara shakes her head “I think she deserves happiness. Family, friendship… love. I want her to have all of those things” 

“Kara” Lena says coyly “you already gave me all of that, and I ruined it”

“No, you still have all of it” Kara sees Lena opening her mouth to argue, so she adds quickly “We both made bad choices. Yes, that’s true. But I’m willing to work through it, are you?” she asks, with pleading eyes.

Lena drops her gaze. Her heart is beating wildly in her chest, the anger she’s been feeling for weeks is replaced with the hope of having Kara back into her life. She knows it will make her happy because the blonde is a ray of sunshine. But Lena is a storm. Would it be fair to Kara? Is she even good enough for Kara? Can they move past the dual breach of trust? Will Lena’s darkness consume Kara’s light or will it-

Before she can continue the avalanche of doubt in her head, Kara shoots forward and the whole world quiets down. At first, she has no idea what’s going on or why there’s a delicate pressure against her. Softness against her chapped lips, hands cupping her face with light fingers gracing her skin and strong pals angling her face. Kara is kissing her.

Nothing happens for a couple of seconds. They are just suspended in time, as Kara’s lips remain unmoving against Lena’s. Then the Kryptonian parts, but only backs away enough to search Lena’s eyes.

“Say yes” she begs. Lena licks her lips, still foggily lost in the remnants of the chaste kiss.

“Kara- I, this is, fuck.” She mumbles. It feels like they’re complicating a heck of a lot more the already complex situation.

The blonde shortens the distance again, Lena buzzes in excitement despite her worries but Kara stops when their foreheads are touching. Lips just short-form reaching and noses brushing, Lena can’t remember a single thing apart from how close they are.

“It doesn’t have to be this. Not yet or ever, even though I do want it” Kara promises and angles her jaw just slightly upwards, bumping Lena’s chin. The brunette feels awfully taunt with the need of just connecting their lips, Kara’s soft breathing crashing into her upper lip like it’s daring her to do so.

“But it doesn’t have to.” Kara reiterates, her voice husky and Lena knows she’s battling just as hard not to kiss her. “I want you in my life, Lena. Please say you do to”

“I do, of course, I do” Lena says, prohibiting her head form getting in the way.

Kara starts crying and Lena can’t do anything but imitate her. They do that for a while, holding on to each other like a lifeline. Ultimately, they both fall prey to exhaustion.

Alex finds them cuddling in the slim bed and rolls her eyes, she finds them extremely adorable but damn are they a source of headaches. She checks on Lena’s fluids and lets them sleep for a bit longer. ‘A Luthor and a Super’ she knickers shaking her head before heading out of the room, tired but pleased at the view of the two finally together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to shout at me in the comments.

**Author's Note:**

> THE SEASON 5 TRAILER HAD ME SHOOKETH. imma start buying tissues right now.  
> come judge me and my shitty writing in the comments :)


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